Trouble Helix

This one’s all thanks to Harper’s.
From a list complied tin 2006 by British police chiefs of more than 5,000 offences warranting that the DNA of an arrested suspect be retained for life in a national database

Violating king’s wife
Violating king’s eldest daughter
Violating wife of king’s eldest son and heir
Throwing offensive weapon or matter at sovereign with intent to alarm
Levying war against the sovereign in his or her realm
Buggery
Buggery with women
Buggery with animal
Buggery with man in private
Buggery with man other than in private
Procuring a woman who is defective
Procuring a woman by false pretences
Abducting unmarried girl under 18
Procuring poison to effect miscarriage
Supplying poison to procure miscarriage
Placing non human embryo in a woman
Counselling female to be circumcised
Riding horse furiously in street
Wantonly disturbing inhabitant by knocking on door or ringing doorbell
Keeping disorderly house
Removing buoys
Rout
Affray
Voyeurism
Sacrilege
Theft of wild flowers
Theft of wild creatires
Using explosive to take fish
Discharging stone or missile to kill or take fish
Handling salmon in suspicious circumstances
Cruelty to badgers
Disturbing badger when it is occupying badger lair
Possessing or controlling dead badger
Fraudulently evading bingo duty
Falsely pretending to be a deserter (Can someone explain this one to me?)
Failure to remove disguise when required by constable
Wasting police time